You

  They told me once that if I write, it’s supposed to be for someone, that everything we write is intended to be for someone, so here I am, writing this first lines and all I can think about is you, you, you. So maybe that’s why, I’m writing this for you. Or maybe it’s just because it’s about you… it’s all about you right now. You and I.

  But first, me. And then, you.

  Once again, one of those things we learn in life, one of those things we read or someone told us and it feels so right we take it as an undeniable truth: to fall in love with someone else, you need to fall in love with yourself first, you need to be happy. I heard that once, and it made perfect sense... and maybe, just maybe, it explained why I was never lucky in love, I wasn’t really happy with anything, I always felt like there was something missing. So here’s where the story begins… with an Argentinean running away from home, running away from it all, crossing the ocean to the other side, arriving at New Zealand. That was me, sixteen months ago.

  After travelling for 7 months, I was in a city I hated and loved at the same time. I got there being as happy as I could be, life was good, being wild and free. Freedom is something we don’t get to feel everyday being in a big city, but your country had it all, blue skies during the day, bright stars during the night. The sea being there all the time, cuz doesn’t matter where you are, the sea is always near enough. The air there is pure and fresh, and it was just beautiful to feel it getting inside my lounges slowly. I was happy, and I thought things couldn’t go better…

  It’s always the same, before going better, things got worse. So I ended up in a shitty job, quitting it, being unemployed again, with no money to pay my rent or go to the supermarket, being pretty much alone in the other side of the world and not knowing what to do. So one day the good news came, I start getting one job and another with an agency, it was fun, but annoying aswell to get up everyday not knowing if there was going to be a job waiting for me or not… so after two weeks, I heard the best news: I had an offer for a permanent job. Thanks God. I was as happy as I could be.

  So there I was, a week after starting my new job, doing dishes in the kitchen of a beautiful hotel… and you walked in. I think I won’t ever forget that day. You walked in wearing some shorts with a black and white belt, a top, and a black and green hat… and I loved you straight away. I know, love at first sight is not a real thing, I didn’t really love you by then, but soon I did. At that moment, I just thought I wanted to knew more about you, a lot more…

  Time went by, and every single time you talked to me my wee heart would skip a beat. You would joke with me, asked how my day was, how I spent my days off, if I was being a good girl… and I knew you weren’t flirting -I wish you were-, you were just a nice boy, worried about everybody, always talking with people and making everybody laugh, and that just made me like you even more. You weren’t interested in me, you just saw a friend, and so we became… friends. Good friends I think, I knew I’d had to leave the country in a couple of month, so I was happy having such a good friend, and dreaming… What if things would have been different? What if we had more time? But we had none, just a few month and I would be gone… so I convinced myself that I was happy being your friend, but inside, every time you talked to me, my heart would skip a beat.

  Days and months went by, we hang out a couple of times, and I think everybody could see we were a bit more than friends, everybody but you, you and your broken heart that had promise himself he would never ever love again. But every time you looked into my eyes, deep inside I knew it… your eyes used to shine when you looked into mine, and I think that’s when I realized I was deeply in love with you. But what could I say? What could I do? I was leaving, and I didn’t want your heart broken again, so I kept all my words inside of me, all of my feelings, and I enjoyed your company, every joke and moment of laugh together, I enjoyed sleeping by your side even when you pushed me away in your dreams, not knowing anymore how it was like to share your bed. And I loved you, in silence, dreaming about what would it be if… if… if… if I wasn’t leaving in two months, if I wasn’t leaving in a month, if I only could stay a bit more to give this love a chance. 

  But another dream was waiting for me, Asia was waiting for me, a three months trip that was already planned, tickets already bought. So I loved you in silence, and my heart broke a bit that night you told me ‘I’m starting to have feelings for you’, and my heart broke a bit that day you said ‘stay in New Zealand, please’, and my heart broke a bit that day I finally said goodbye to you, knowing at least, I would see you one more time before going back to Argentina. And I cried a bit that day I got into a plane flying to Indonesia, leaving you behind. That day, like today, I wrote some lines, I remember well… I wrote about you, about how I knew I was leaving, but still, I felt like I still had a lot to write about you, about us, I knew I didn’t want to write the end of the story.

  And so I didn’t. I wouldn’t give up on you, cuz I knew you loved me to.